Negative Self Talk
How To Change Our Negative Self-Talk Patterns
Have you ever caught yourself talking inside your brain at yourself in a really negative way?
This can sound like,
“I’m so stupid.”
“I can’t believe I made that mistake.”
“I must’ve done something bad to deserve what happened to me.”
“What I’m going through isn’t that bad, I shouldn’t be so upset.”
“I can be such a shitty human being.”
And so on.
Negative self talk stems from a lack of mental love for ourselves.
I like to differentiate between emotional self love and mental self love.
Emotional self love has to do with our feelings about ourself - whether we like who we are, whether we feel good being ourselves.
But mental self love has everything to do with the thoughts that cause us respond to ourselves.
We like to think we are governed by our hearts but we are actually driven by our brain.
Our heart and brain actually work in tandem - so it’s difficult to feel good about ourselves when we have negative thoughts that run rampant in our brain.
Mental self love comes from our self talk.
Often, we have been programmed to talk to ourselves in a manner that is not very nice.
So many of us learnt to be humble and not to accept praise when we were kids. Our cultures may have held values around humility and shame that contributed to this.
We probably formed a habit of negative self talk, and habits are hart to break or change.
So how do we adjust?
Can we change our mental sense of self love?
The answer is yes - but it takes time, and self awareness.
Time, because like any habit, it requires us to slowly change our patterns and adjust to our “new normal”.
Self awareness, because since these thoughts exist mostly in our heads - we need to notice them and be honest with ourselves about how often and when they pop up.
If you’re ready to invest time and energy into altering our negative self talk patterns, I have created a 5 step framework on how to change negative self talk.
1. Is this rational?
Now, I’m not saying we’re not being rational. But often, the thoughts that pop into our head may not be entirely truthful, or accurate. And so, for every negative self talk moment that pops into our heads, we need to check if it’s truthful.
So we start by asking ourselves these questions:
Is what I’m saying rational? Would I say it to someone I admired the opinion of?
Would I say this out loud to a friend, colleague, coach or counsellor?
If I did say this out loud to a friend, colleague, coach or counsellor, what would they say to me?
Does this sound accurate and truthful? Or is it exaggerated and dramatic?
Sometimes, negative self talk can be beneficial but always have a rationality check. If you think the statement is indeed rational, then move on to the second step.
2. Find Evidence
We all have beliefs but they aren’t always backed by reality.
Particularly with our negative self talk, we have a tendency to inflate and conflate our beliefs with what’s actually true.
An example of this may be us saying,
“I never get this right.”
(When in actual fact, it’s only our 3rd go at something).
So, how do we find evidence?
Well it’s simple! All you need is a pen and paper.
List the evidence that makes it true and what makes it false.
Write the statement you heard in your brain up the top so it’s really confronting.
Look internally, environmentally, think of what people have told you about yourself
Write it all on one page, create 2 columns.
In one column list all the evidence that makes it true.
In another column, list all the evidence that makes it false.
Read your list, and figure out if your negative self talk was true or false.
3. Find it’s root cause
If you still think the statement is true, figure out where the negative statement came from.
Find its root cause.
If you can figure out the source, you can find out why you feel excessive about a certain negative trait of yours.
Because the reality is - we all have negative traits and issues within ourselves.
But the path to self love includes accepting that we aren’t perfect, and also understanding how to work on these traits rather than spending our time beating ourselves up about being a crappy human.
Plus, having negative traits *doesn’t* make us bad human beings!
We all have flaws - the key is to keep them in perspective and make sure our flaws aren’t controlling the way we live.
So: Figure out where the negative self talk came from.
Was it something someone said to you when you were young?
Was it a reaction that you received when you had failed at some stage in your life?
Is it a lesson you learnt as a result of something happening to you?
When we figure out the source, we can decide whether or not we have a sensitivity to this trait in ourselves, or whether or not it is indeed as negative as we think it is.
4. Change our language
Let me ask you a question.
It’s one thing to want to be humble, acknowledge our negative traits, and be self aware about how we may impact others.
But was our negative self talk one of hatred? Or one of acceptance and improvement?
The language we use matters.
The language we use on ourselves matters a LOT, because our self definition becomes our ability to perform well in our lives.
So, let’s get some perspective on the language we have used on ourselves.
I like to ask this one question:
Would you ever use that language or tone with someone you truly cared for?
If the answer is no, then we need to modify the harshness of what we are saying about ourselves.
We need to counteract these negative self talk moments with kinder, gentler words.
The key is to try to catch ourselves in the moment having these drastic, negative thoughts - and reform them into gentle, kind statements that acknowledge but don’t persecute.
5. Get some perspective
Maybe you’ve almost completed the framework, and you’ve realised that this negative trait of yours is TRUE, you do have a flaw. (The horror!)
Remember - firstly, we ALL have flaws. So congratulations! You’ve just figured out one of yours, which means that you are well on the path to self awareness and self mastery!
When we know what’s wrong, we can then FIX and IMPROVE it!
BUT, we still need to change the way we are talking to ourselves and beating ourselves up about this.
So I ask:
If you turn this around and made it about someone else, would I tolerate this personality trait in them?
For example, a lot of people have trouble saying no.
We worry that by declining someone, we may offend them, we may lose their love or friendship, that we are bad people, that we are not being our best selves.
However.
When someone says no to you, do you really think that they are bad people, unworthy of affection, or offensive?
Probably not.
Usually when someone says no to us, we shrug and figure out a different solution or pathway.
And so, when we have a negative self talk moment that goes, “If I say no to this, I am a bad person who is unworthy of this friendship.”
We need to shift our perspective and think, would I accept a “no” if it were reversed?
If you can accept it, the change of perspective changes your answer.
You should consider that this negative self talk about being a bad person, isn’t helping you.
Bonus: Seek external validation
If you haven’t been satisfied after going through the framework, if you still aren’t sure about whether your negative self talk is okay or not, call a trusted friend and ask them what they think about your negative statement of self.
By exposing your fear and insecurity, you can also seek assurance from a loved one.
When we take action on our fears, we can be brave.
Being brave is a magnificent thing, don’t you agree?
Our true friends will help us understand that our negative self talk aren’t helpful to us living our best lives.
Our true friends will reassure us that flaws and negative personality traits aside, we are indeed very lovable and worthy of being in relationships with.
And so, with the completion of this framework?
Try to let go.
Let go of those negative thoughts because when we let go and we relinquish, that’s when we can truly work on improving ourselves and building deeper connection within ourselves, without judgement.
I hope this framework helps you every time your negative self talk patterns come up - this is the very framework that I use in analysing how I feel about myself, and in trying to decipher whether I’m being self aware or just down on myself.
Disclaimer:
Negative self talk is not inherently bad. We do need it sometimes, to push ourselves to excel. But when negative self talk makes us crumble mentally and emotionally, it IS problematic. Because when we crumble from self doubt, we are not able to perform well. Because when it keeps us up at night, wondering about how crap we are, we can’t be the best human being we are capable of.
About the author
Sharon Pakir is a badass leadership coach and speaker on a mission to help as many people as possible feel inspired, confident and fulfilled by the work that they do. Her courses, podcast, speaking and coaching are all about helping you [live your whole damn life.] Download your free personal mastery blueprint to get started on your transformation.